slow the fuck down

a boy and his dog. a rare moment in the mids of crazy.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection as it relates to my parenting style/philosophy/way of being in the world. While my overall anxiety has remained pretty high, some conversations with really good friends, an appointment to begin therapy on Friday, and a quiet night that included 6 WHOLE HOURS in a row, has reigned me back in from the crazy cliff of burnout.

I have this bad habit of going full steam until burnout and it needs to stop. I know it’s part of my personality, and the stressor this time was Boof’s crazy work schedule, but truthfully I’ve been stuffing my anxiety and emotions for awhile. I’m not sure how long, probably since Potamus was born, but maybe even longer. The pioneer-buck-it-up woman has been working her ass off, because, in so many ways, moving forward full steam feels safer than pausing and acknowledging what is going on. That it’s hard. I know I say it with my head and mouth, but I haven’t let myself feel the weight of the difficulty for fear of breaking into a thousand little pieces.

And, while I’ve written about it before, I have come to this realization, that my tool for stuffing all my emotion is Facebook, my smart-phone, endless hours of mindless television. As an introvert, and a sometimes selfish person, I want “me” time. Lots of focus on “me,” and what gets in the way is this kiddo who I love and is trying his best in the world. In an effort to get MY needs met, I end up stressed.

But last night was different. Instead of facebooking, I spent 2 hours talking to different friends on the phone. Potamus was eating dinner, but I wasn’t mindlessly zoning out ‘liking’ things and surfing for the best answer to solve this to-wean-or-not-to-wean question. Or this co-sleeping-until-eternity dilemma. I was intentionally connecting. And, when Potamus had enough of Jake and the Neverland Pirates and his helping of tortellini, we played outside. He toodled around and I chatted with my other friend. And then we came inside and got ready for bed.

He was out by 8.

I didn’t feel guilty for nursing him.

I didn’t feel like I needed to be anywhere else.

I forgot about the dishes/laundry/crumbs on the floor/ and the anger that Boof wasn’t around to help.

We didn’t watch any TV past 5:30 or even listen to music on the TV and dance like we normally do. It was quiet, and focused, but not so intensely goal-oriented.

And I ended up with 6 hours of sleep in a row, and a feeling of being refreshed.

I don’t know if this relaxed way will always ‘work,’ but I do think that Potamus picked up on my calm and focused energy and it mirrored back at him a way to be in the world. I think, if I can’t figure out how to unwind, how can he learn it for himself? I have no idea how tonight will go, or how I will monitor my on-line habits, especially since summer is beginning and I will now be home with Potamus 3-5 of the 7 days out of the week, but I do think that the evening ritual was helped by this long unwind time.

Thoughts? Have you tried slowing down to achieve your parenting goals?

 

Dog Beds

On the slow days, Potamus takes long, lazy naps in our bed. I have managed to transition him from sleeping in my arms for naps, to lying down-nursing-to-sleep in the comfort of our cool cave-like bedroom. It’s like bed-time, but during the day, and I think he very much enjoys being removed from the hub-bub of toys and dogs and tv and all the goings on that happens out in the living room, and slows down for awhile at naptime. Maybe he’s like his mama in this way, that sometimes I’m not even tired so much as the world is a brightly lit over-stimulating place and I need a retreat from it all, to gather my thoughts and recharge for more play.

With (hopefully!) a new job prospect on the horizons and the knowledge that in a month (whether I get a new job or not) the routine around our den is going to change. Boof may be primary caregiver for awhile until he shores up a job, or Potamus may join a local daycare for a few days a week. Regardless, it means that naps must be done differently, even if it’s a hard transition. My mother-in-law’s petite frame is having a hard time holding him while he sleeps, and he never naps quite as long on her lap, as he does in our bed. Boof can usually manage to get a 90 minute nap out of him, but it’s inconsistent and restless at best. And while I hope we find a fabulous day-care provider, since we can’t afford a nanny, I doubt they’re gonna be able to hold him for naps like he’s used to. So the quest begins, to let my sweet babe learn how to nap on his own.

Some days, like today, where I am on-call and flitting about, Potamus naps in the carseat while we drive, but lately these little bursts of napping have left him cranky and over-tired. I long to give my boy routine, as I notice he thrives off it. The days we get two long lazy naps he is SO happy. Even yesterday, with only one morning 2 hour nap, and a few carseat nod-offs, he managed to make it through a coffee date with a friend and dinner with my mother-in-law, all without throwing any tantrums. I’ve tried laying him down on the couch, side-lying nursing him like at home, but he’s not having it. I’ve tried laying him on the floor, but that hasn’t worked, either. A pack-n-play isn’t big enough for me to cram my 6’1 frame into, and the beds downstairs are too far away to feel comfortable with him sleeping. And I don’t really like cribs.

So my mother-in-law and I were out at Costco, and like every trip, we managed to meander all the aisles (instead of heading straight for the blueberries like she wanted) and ended up parked for a minute in front of these dog beds. Dog beds with two slightly raised sides and soft fluffy lining. Dog beds that were made of memory foam and looked like a great dane could curl up comfortably. We looked at each other, and back at the dog bed, I laughed and said, “are we really considering this?” and we stood there scratching our head for awhile longer.

Well, we managed to leave the store wit a dog bed. We set it up in one of the quiet rooms upstairs and I put him down and nursed him for awhile. He seemed calm, and while I knew he was tired, he hadn’t quite decided he was THAT tired yet. More play. We tried it again. Almost asleep and then wild, smiley, distracted boy. She bounced him on the exercise ball, transferred him to my arms, and now, thirty minutes later, he has gone down for his first nap in his grandparent’s house.

In a dog bed.

I guess, if our dog is allowed to sleep in our bed, our baby can sleep in a dog bed?