The Illusion of Time: Flies, Creeps, Stands Still


A friend of mine is in the thick of parenting struggle, with sick kiddos, and a full-time job, and the stress of simply being a working mom in the 21st century. It’s hard. It’s really hard. And I know that it won’t be this particular hard forever. Because time is a funny thing, and with it comes new trials and tribulations for lack of a better cliche.

Last summer I wrote about being sick of breastfeeding. It was 18 months in and I.WAS.DONE. Sadly, Potamus was decidedly NOT done, and so we kept going. And yesterday I was reflecting on how easy it was to wean, and how long it seems since I hunkered down to nurse him to sleep. In fact, what feels like forever, has only been 2 months. Whoa. Time, you’re a tricky thing. And even this week, as I was bitching that I was still the only one to get Potamus to sleep at night, he fell asleep for Boof no problem. AND my picky eater at 2 slices of pizza for dinner, instead of his usual yogurt. Wow.

I happen to be a very in-the-moment feeler. I feel things intensely, and when they’re good they’re GOOD, and when they’re bad they’re everlasting. Eight minutes of screaming in the car on our morning commute feels like an eternity, whereas an extra eight minutes of uninterrupted sleep feels like nothing. I don’t know how to reconcile all of that, especially when it’s hard, but it’s nice to keep in mind, that things change quickly (and I mean quickly by lifetime standards, not moment-to-moment standards).

Another Milestone Gone



Potamus has been showing A LOT of interest in potty training. The other day I showed up to school to pick him up, and I found him reading at the table. His teacher was SO EXCITED to show me the book he picked “all by himself,” which happened to be a Berenstein Bear story about potty training. Whoa. Since Boof didn’t potty train until 3, I figured I had awhile before we’d be starting that adventure, but apparently not so much!

Yesterday afternoon, after we got home from school, I noticed that he was assuming ‘the position’ over by our side table, and I calmly picked him up (he had much protesting, as I had clearly interupted him getting comfortable), and set him on his training potty. I turned my back to give him privacy, and BOOM there he is, pooping in his potty. When I gave him a loving congratulations he looked SO FREAKING PROUD, which is just like a dude, right?

I love photography, and documenting milestones, but this one I couldn’t. Not because I couldn’t, but because our dickweasel dog ate the poop straight out of the training potty. BARF! I guess that example highlights the insanity that happens in our life!


What cool things are your kids up to these days?

17 Month Photobomb :)

photo courtesy of my sister-in-law

books are fun!

Potamus was 17 months on the 20th, and from the latest doctor’s visit we know that he’s almost 24 lbs. He has 4 teeth, is walking AND climbing AND dancing (and walking backward, which he thinks is hilarious). He’s tried 5 new foods in the past two days (apple slices, lemon poppyseed muffin, bacon, chocolate covered doughnuts and soy meatballs in his marinara sauce) While not all healthy, I’m just glad he’s trying some new things….


While I was out being a bridesmaid, he was hanging out with his “Uncle Tio” and auntie. These pictures were captured during their playtime. I love seeing how much he grows and changes daily! His favorite activity is shaking the maracas, and he’s been so vigorous that he’s broken a few already. Grandma got these new ones in hopes that they’ll be a little more indestructible than the dollar store variety!




I love that his proud, concentrated look was caught on camera! I see this face all the time!

I love that his proud, concentrated look was caught on camera! I see this face all the time!

Of course, like any other child of the 21st Century, this kiddo loves his cell phone. He babbles into anything remotely shaped like a phone, which is hilarious to me. Clearly he is mimicking us, but the sound of his pretend half of a conversation is so darn cute…makes me wonder if he wonders what we’re doing talking in half sentences into the phone?

More Teeth

Yes, I can see them now…Potamus definitely has two white teeth buds trying to pop through his bottom gums. Come on babies, let’s do this!

And if having those creeptastic teeth dreams weren’t enough, here’s what a skull looks like with the baby teeth/adult teeth in it:

What someone looks like before they lose their baby teeth. Whoa, super creepy.

Now if THAT’s not enough to give you nightmares, I don’t know what is.

Melancholy Monday

When I was in my younger twenties, I had less of an understanding of my issues of anxiety/OCD/depression and how it related to my career. Initially the anxiety pushed me to excel, be early all the time, but then there was a certain crash, where I felt unable to control myself. My early-to-work anxiety left me sitting in my car, weeping, writing in my journal, and listening to music, all in an effort to muster the strength to actually go to work. This pattern of thoughts/feelings ruling my actions actually became debilitating for awhile. I remember calling in sick from anxiety one day, and then sick again and again and again for four whole days because all I could muster was to putz around the house. It’s led to passive-aggressive sneaking around behavior at work, lying to my supervisor and generally acting like how I would imagine a young child would act when they are trying to get around their parents’ rules.

But I’ve come a long way since then. When I’m on medication, that has helped. I’ve done more introspection and understanding of myself and emotions and on days, like today, where melancholy rules, I still force myself to get out of bed, drive across the I-90 bridge in the not-quite-yet-sunrise, and walk into work. That’s where I am today, beginning my workday, with my emotions feeling raw and tender for no discernable reason (though leaving Potamus snuggled up with daddy certainly feels like that could be a starting point.)

I know that once I get in the swing of things this morning I will be okay, but for the moment, I cannot seem to shake the blues.


In other news, Potamus is a healthy 20lbs and 27 inches long…which initially concerned me because he hasn’t gained weight since his last apt (well, it has actually felt like he gained weight, and then lost it), but the pediatrician said it was totally normal and he is height/weight proportionate and that all his moving around has caused the slimming down. When asked about his reverse cycling, the pediatrician laughed and said that he was “sorry” for me, but that the baby is getting what he needs and is totally healthy. He was also very proud of my husband’s efforts to get breastmilk into Potamus in creative methods, like mixing with yogurt or using a clean Coke can, etc. What I found to be most fun, though, was that he is a dad of 4 and was totally pro co-sleeping. It was actually his suggestion for us, since Potamus doesn’t sleep longer than 2 hours at night, even telling Boof that he and his wife co-slept/bed-shared with their 4 kids. Awesome! Not many pediatricians would be so honest, especially since it is discouraged by the APA!

About a week ago I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. The stress at work had come to a head, the fears and worry about Boof starting classes in a week, the fact that Potamus has consistently REFUSED a bottle for the past 6 weeks (leaving me running all over the county on outreaches and then running back home again within 3-4 hours to nurse him…or having Boof drive around the county following me so that little mister can eat), the fact that I am maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding and am throwing her a bridal shower and bachelorette party…200 miles away, the fact that both of my sisters-in-law are getting married 2 months apart and we are in FULL wedding planning mode around here, the fact that laundry/dishes/yardwork/searching-for-new-job-work has all been pilingpilingpiling up in stacks on the table and in corners and my mind is crammedfullofsomuchstuffthaticanbarelybreathe.



Who wouldn’t have a nervous breakdown with that kind of stress, really? So I started in on self-care, big time…writing group, sleeping as much as possible, eating healthy, trying to walk…crying. It’s amazing how freeing crying can be, and how I realize that I hold so much stuff in, trying to be the strong mama raising a strong child and bearing the brunt of the bread-winning at the same time. Image

But then there are these sweet break-in-the-clouds moments, where the sun pokes through and I react, once again, to my kiddos in crisis with the mantra “they are in crisis, i am not in crisis.” For a minute that statement wasn’t true, but for right now it is. I have driven almost 1,000 miles in my new little car and life is feeling back to a somewhat okay balance. Sure that could change tomorrow, but for right now I am learning that a little wobbly balance is okay. And that’s a lesson I’m learning from Potamus.

Today is day 2 of him sitting un-assisted. It’s amazing to think…he will never NOT know how to sit again (barring any major head trauma or amnesia). And today he grew in leaps and bounds, as I got to see him sit, and swivel, and reach forward, and catch his balance with wide-eyed-stare, and look so proud when he didn’t topple over. He’s learning. I’m learning. And it feels so sweet.