Finding Friendships as an Adult

Taking the boys to Caspar Babypants. Potamus is like 4 months old here…

For awhile I assumed that my ‘best years’ (as far as the ease of friendship-making) was behind me. College was this time, where I’d meet someone in a class, or at a coffee shop, or in an extra-curricular activity and BAM we’d be instant besties. We’d do things together day and night, since we had all the time in the world. And very many of these relationships are the ones that I still revisit, like Laura in Albuquerque and Ruth in Oregon. But as an adult, it’s been different…we have so very little time to meet people, and then even less time to hang out on a regular basis. So friendships form over longer periods of time, and with many, they drop off because of time constraints before ever making it to that bestie level, ya know?

A few years ago, probably 5 or so, I was introduced to Mari through my sister-in-law. They had gone to junior high youth group together. I was initially intimidated, because hello have you seen how gorgeous she is? And cool. We weren’t instantly friends, but as the years progressed, and we hung out more in the friend group, we realized how much we have in common (though at first glance it appears we have zero in common).

And then I had a kid.

Suddenly I was thrust into the world of motherhood, and working motherhood, something Mari was doing beautifully. And we hung out more and more. And then she had another kid, on Potamus’ birthday, and now we finish each other’s sentences. It’s to the text-the-same-thing-at-the-same-time level of strange connection. Boof jokes that I text her like I’m a teenage girl, and maybe that’s true, because it’s been a long time since I’ve had the in-person type connection with someone. A friend I can tell anything to, without fear of being judged. A friend to be vulnerable with in person, as I have other that are a phone call away.

Like last night, as I was crying into my red wine, she came by to cheer me up. And seeing her 4 year old and Potamus playing like friends, while we sat and commiserated on the couch, was the most touching moment ever. But it didn’t happen overnight. And it didn’t happen with someone expected. And that’s what making friendships as an adult is about. Putting in the time, pushing past insecurities and following through on making those plans that you want, even though you’re afraid to make.

And unlimited texting packages don’t hurt, either, especially if you have both have phone anxiety.

 

 

I’m Flying Solo…Solo…

 

I took my first post-baby-solo trip to Albuquerque to visit my college BFF, and boy was it both fun AND exhausting! The flight down was quiet, meditative, and I spent my time sitting in airports staring contentedly into space, writing in my journal and reading. I got in around 5pm, and so we were able to catch up before her husband got off work . We then headed out for some yummy authentic New Mexican food and margaritas!

Saturday morning she got to share her hot yoga class with me, and then we headed out to the old part of the town (aka the tourist trap), and spent our time taking silly pictures and finding hidden away gems, like a handmade soap shop where I was able to buy Boof a boar belly shaving brush and mint/hemp shaving soap!

 

 

 

After being in the city for about 24 hours, I started to feel really sick. Apparently the altitude difference (Albuqueque is a mile above sea level and Seattle is 500 feet. Ha!) was starting to affect me. Laura said that when other people have come to visit they’ve had the same experiences…it felt like I was hungover, with a headache and felt really tired, spacey, and even a little bit panicky…though that was probably the anxiety taking over. I tossed and turned and wished I was back home in bed, snuggled up with Boof and Potamus and Scrummy in our king size memory foam bed!

The flight home was torturous for the first leg, but then I got to occupy my time with the Seahawks game on the last 2 legs of the trip! I’m so thankful that I got the opportunity to spend time just being myself, instead of being a mom or a worker or a wife. It was almost like being back in college…almost.

 

If we could go back, would we?

we wore stripes to match, clearly we discussed this ahead of time 😉

There’s something lovely about making re-connections in person. After 5 years, my college bestie Laura made it back up to the PacNW and was able to carve out two lovely chunks of time to spend with me. It was wonderful. Our relationship has ebbed and flowed over the past few years, with many life altering situations happening on either end and a phone anxiety getting in the way of keeping each other informed regularly. There was a time when I wondered if we would ever consider each other friends again, but then, we started talking. And while it was somewhat awkward at first, we re-connected…and she came to visit her family, which only solidified our friendship further.

We’re both older, less inclined to gallavanting willy nilly through parks or staying up super late talking in the back of her pickup truck. There were early nights and lots of cups of coffee. And she got to meet Potamus, which was so delightful. What I enjoy about her friendship is that while we picked up where we left off, we were able to fondly recall some of those really good times in college, but we didn’t live in nostalgia land.

Nostalgia land is what I notice with Boof, when we get together with some of his friends and all they do is talk about highschool/college/camp/whatever memory they have from each other. Nostalgia is fun to glance at, but not a fun place to live. The wisftful sadness of wishing to go back to an easier time doesn’t work. It’s like driving, you can glance in the rearview mirror, but you’re sure to get in an accident if you only look in the rearview mirror (unless you’re backing up, heh!). So it was nice to acknowledge the past, but to build our relationship in the here & now.

And when I dropped her off at the airport, I surprised myself with my vulnerable side, and teared up. I was able to express that I had missed her and hoped that we would keep in touch more often. Because I love this girl, ya know? She’s one of the besties that I want to keep in my life. But I love my life, and so, if I could go back…to the ease and quiet of college…I know that I wouldn’t.

My wedding day

Would you go back to an easier time (college/high school/childhood)?

Gold Friends

make new friends,
but keep the old,
one is silver,
and the other’s gold

When we first met we were both awkward, she had spoken up in Bible study saying that she was lonely, had no friends, and after the Bible study was over, I said, awkwardly, “hey, you want to go get coffee, I don’t have many friends either,” or something to that effect. What proceeded was two blissful college years where we spent hours upon hours talking (even racking up a $1,000 phone bill one summer when I was across country). Friendship with her was so easy and made me believe in soulmates. I firmly believe, that if there is reincarnation or past lives, that she and I have known each other in some capacity for thousands upon thousands of years.

But friendships aren’t easy after college. Our weekly phone conversations turned to monthly turned to quarterly and then dwindled to maybe every 6 months when I was lucky. And, honestly, I felt that I made the effort most of the time. I kept calling, leaving messages, and she seemed off in her cool little life, rock climbing and doing major wilderness trips, and I assumed that we had just fallen out of friendship. It’s something I’ve agonized over, but I don’t have time to pursue a friendship where it doesn’t seem reciprocal.

I put up a boundary in my mind: I’ll gladly reconnect if she contacts me first. I love this girl, but I can’t keep putting out the effort.

And that lasted for almost a year, with being busy as a new mom and with a new job. But then I saw that New Mexico was on fire and I sent her a quick text saying “I hope you’re okay, I hear it’s on-fire down there.” One simple text led to more texting lead to her saying she would call this week. I didn’t hold my breath, knowing she’s said things like that before in the past.

But she called.

And we talked. And talked. And talked.

I know that we had so much catching up to do, but we fell into an easy conversation. And it turns out, that she’s been going through a lot of stuff, both health-wise and emotionally wise. A lot of stuff I could relate to.  And she’s been reclusive and talked about that and it was simply so nice to hear that she had withdrawn herself from friendships. While it wasn’t an apology, per se, it was this breath of fresh air to my soul. I can pursue a friendship to the end of the earth if I know that other person wants to be my friend, even if they can’t put in as much effort because of life stuff happening.

We have plans to talk again next week. I’m hoping that this is the restart of something beautiful.

Breaking up is hard to do…

Sometimes, out of nowhere, I am punched in the gut with nostalgia. This week it happened while perusing Offbeat Home & Life’s daily offerings and I cam across the article: Exploring the very painful world of friendship breakups. I could barely read the title before I was bombarded with a rush of memories. There was Peter Pan in the park, laying awake and watching the starts in her pickup truck while we overlooked our college town, and long long loooong talks after church on the green couch in the intern room. There were Survivor Nights and Bible Studies and many talks of demons and the perfect boyfriend and family drama and Narnia.

She was my best friend.

After college we both moved away and life happened. The first year we talked all the time, even racking up a 1,000 roaming phone bill while I lived in New York for a summer, and made all sorts of wonderful plans about our future as friends. And then, we stopped talking.

It probably wasn’t that dramatic, because, she was in my wedding, and then I was in hers. But weekly phone-calls turned to monthly turned to every six months. My heart felt broken in a way that a man has never done. It was this ache for a friendship love that I cannot accurately describe. And, without Facebook, I don’t think I’d know anything about her life. But, it’s not for a lack of trying.

When I tell people about this soulmate-friend, because that’s how it feels, they always question why I don’t call her. And I say, “I did, for a long time,” and it’s true. I called. I called and called and left messages. I waited months and then called again. And, at some point, I need to have reciprocity. Despite my anguish over her not being in my life, I cannot simply spend my energy on a one-sided relationship. I can’t. I don’t know what went wrong between the two of us, if anything, or if time and distance and life have just gotten in the way, so I don’t blame her or myself for the brokenness. But I am sad, nonetheless about the absence of her friendship in my life. And I want to tell her:

Dear Lewis-

Let’s be friends again like old times?

Love,
Clark