Home

Where is Yours?

Tonight I went to writing group, and the topic was Home. We wrote about our childhood home, and the smells we associated with it. I was surprised to remember that there was a kitchen drawer that smelled like broken crayons and Flinstone’s vitamins. How random of a memory!

We then moved on to the concept of home, which brought up this deep sadness I had no idea existed within me. This idea of home feels like a time in my life, and like the garden of Eden, I can remember its loveliness but I am destined to wander about a desert yearning for the comfort of paradise. I can never truly go home, as home is innocence and pure love and a safe naivete.

Driving home I kept thinking about Potamus, and that this house will be his childhood home, but more importantly how his innocence will one day be gone. I can love and shelter, but the real world will show its realness and all the good and bad that comes with it. Today I am his home, but he is growing so fast already that I am mourning that beautiful sweetness.

Cherishing the Moments

With going back to work, I have been trying to maximize the time we do have. This weekend was full of coffee and launch dates, walks on the beach and around the lake, and Potamus’s first baseball game! He rocked a very retro look, which won him major points with the ladies. 🙂

Bat Baby is 4 months old today!

Long hours

Today was my longest day away from Potamus, and I managed to survive! Yesterday was shitty, but I was wrapped in love from my friends and family and woke up today ready to have a calm centeredness to my life. My mantra in this line of work is…”they are in crisis, I am not in crisis.” Sometimes its hard to remember that!

Boof was sweet and sent me this picture while he was out on a walk with the little boy. It made me smile and helped me feel better while I was trying to pump discreetly in the car (and failing miserably might add). We were separated for about 6 hours and I surprisingly felt darn good when I was out. I really like this work…the hours are what makes it terribly hard.

In other news…Potamus is 4 months old tomorrow!

Oh hello anger

Apparently I have been a little cocky in the PPD realm lately, sorta half-assing in the med department, because overall I feel fucking AMAZING as a new mama.

And then, last night, Boof was working late at the baseball game, and I had worked a full day and had a little less sleep than normal and yeah, Potamus was way over tired somehow and it took almost 2 hours of a screaming-nursing-bouncing/rocking-fallingasleepforfiveminutesbeforewakingupagain cycle. I was dazzled and angry. I might have yelled (okay, I definitely yelled) which made Potamus cry harder (i didn’t yell AT him, just let out a yell of frustration).  I wasn’t in danger of losing it, but I definitely just let him lay swaddled on the bed fussing for a few minutes while I went and got a snack.

And then, like magic, he fell asleep.

Maybe its not PPD, but I definitely am taking my meds today.

The Daily Grind

This morning was the first where I HAD to be up at a particular time to get to an outreach. Most every other morning has been filled with lounging, or at the very least me getting up when Potamus wanted, and not vice versa. But today was much different, and therefore harder emotionally. We were sleepsnuggling and I had to get up to get ready, and he was lying there all warm and sweaty and sweet. I tried to get out of bed as quietly as possible and to put a pillow next to him to help the transition, but he wasn’t fooled in the slightest. He cried so hard that I almost just crawled back in bed and called in sick.

But that wouldn’t have been good on day 3 of my job, eh?

So I sucked it up, and by the time my shower was done, Boof had managed to get him back asleep and both of my boys were all hunkered down in dreamland. It made my heart happy to see that Potamus and Boof were doing so well all snuggled up together, but part of me was also madly jealous that a) they got an extra few winks of sleep and b) they were doing it together.

And now I want to snugglesleep with Potamus before my workday tomorrow, and he is bright-eyed and bushy tailed and fighting his swaddle like a ninja.

Sigh.

Working mom

I survived my on-call weekend, though there were a few rough patches along the way. Potamus, of course, took everything like a champ.

My parents came in to town to help manage the load, since Boof was working, too. I’m trying to involve them more, since they live much further away than Boof’s parents. Sometimes this adds to the stress, though, since they aren’t always on board with all of our ways of doing things.

Take Sunday for example. I was lead crisis counselor that day, so I end up being in charge of answering the phone and going out to families who need help. Well, I was on a few minute call, and when I got off, my mom was giving Potamus a 4 ounce bottle! In asked her what she was doing and she said he was fussy so she didn’t want him to cry while I was on the phone. A lovely gesture, and appreciated in the circumstance when I cannot nurse him, but he could have waited 5 minutes. And because she never brreastfed, she microwave the milk ( a no-no) and was actually giving him the milk from the storage bottle, rather than from the bottle that helps prevent comic…so he was gassy and uncomfortable for awhile when he woke back up. Not only that, I then had to spend 20 minutes pumping to get the effect of him nursing (without all the lovely bonding side effects).

But it is the thought that counts, and it was sweet to see him all cozied up on her lap, sleeping peacefully with Clidford, his red dog wubbanub pacifier in his mouth.

And, at the end of a long weekend, I came home to my little snuggle bug all asleep in bed. These moments are simply the best, where we just lay together and I can hear him breathe and I can smell that warm sweaty sleepy baby smell.

I am a working mom. And while I would love to win the lottery, or get a new job that doesn’t have such crazy hours, for now I will try to mindfully navigate this new road.

I still live with my parents….

Apparently he wants his own apartment? Haha…

Working mom

Today was my first day back at work. Yes it is a Saturday, and I work again tomorrow. My supervisor had a difficult time finding someone to cover this shift, and since I planned to come back Tuesday, I thought a few days earlier would be fine. And for the most part, I was right. I was backup on-call today, with my partner taking the lead. Fortunately it was a light day as far as calls went, so I didn’t have to go on an outreach. I am exhausted nonetheless, though.

Boof had to work at the baseball game, so my parents came into town to babysit Potamus if the occasion arose. Thankfully it did not, but we will see how tomorrow goes. I filled my day with paperwork and online learning that has piled up since December. I filled the rest of my time with loads of laundry. Potamus was never out of my sight, and I nursed him on demand, but I tried to honor that I was working and let my parents play and sing and rock him to sleep.

Maybe that was the hardest part.

But mentally it was good to get a taste of what is to come on a more regular basis. Fortunately not all of my days are 12 hours on-call, became I am already in bed with potamus passed out next to me. I survived my first day, and feel weepy, even though I didn’t have to lose sight of his sweet chubby cheeks.

This whole working parent thing is overwhelming and exhausting, no?

Blooming flower

Because we have not been in our home for a year, this springtime has led to some exciting discoveries of the garden variety. Our ancient lilac tree is beginning to have leaves and buds, which excites me to no end. The scent of REAL lilac is magical to me, and was one of the deciding factors in getting this house. So while I have been waiting patiently for my magical plant to bloom, I have been sweetly surprised by plants blooming in our yard that I had NO idea were flowering plants at all.

We have this lovely tall bush in our backyard, which is the same as the hedge in our front. I assumed it was just a green leafy hedge, but last week these buds turned to blooms and now there are these gorgeous flowers hanging out in my yard. And I had to do nothing (which is the best part!) 

This flowering surprise  has gotten me thinking about all the times in my life that I overlook these ordinary experiences because I don’t see the potential for beauty like I saw in the lilac bush. If I had known that this hedge produced such gorgeous blooms, I could have been living in excited anticipation. I at least would have paid more mindful attention (like I will clearly do next year!).

For some reason, this seems to be applying to my change from stay-at-home mama to working mama. Perhaps, as I go back to work tomorrow, I will begin to notice blooms of beauty in a place I didn’t expect?