Something wonderful happened after our last crying filled reiki session. While lying on the table with Potamus, as he cycled from being relaxed and alert to fussy to full blown screaming and finally to calm rest. I have been seeing Courtney for four years and know that it is a safe place for whatever emotion that comes up, but I noticed that my thought patterns went toward anxiety, embarassment, guilt and frustration during those crying moments. I tried to breathe through them and tell myself “he is a baby, it is okay for him to cry,” but the other voice in my head kept saying, “you’re annoying her, you shouldn’t have come today, this is a waste of money, why can’t he be calm he was so peaceful last time?!”
Since I only had a few moments of incredible depression filled rage, it’s hard for me to remember that I AM still suffering from postpartum depression, and that it is the medication (and reiki) that is allowing me to be in a place where those negative thoughts are not taken as the absolute and automatic truth. I was able to breathe and process with Courtney the anxiety in my heart about wanting to calm the Potamus down and feeling completely helpless to figure out what exactly he needed.
But the shift that happened after that session has been life-changing (or perhaps, on a smaller scale, week-changing). Potamus has had moments-to-hours of fussiness, and I have noticed a difference in my heart and mind during these times where I want to scream ‘tell me what you need! i don’t know what to do!” I have noticed myself slowing down, breathing, not beating myself up about being a horrible mom who doesn’t know what her kid needs, and realizing that I have already experienced an “embarassing” moment where he cried and I couldn’t do anything about it, and we both made it through just fine (and still bonded).
This shift has rippled out into other areas of my relationship with Potamus, as I have begun to enjoy the sudden shift to him latching perfectly and not needing the nipple shield, to late night feedings because he is growing again, to experiencing his first pacifier and first bottle moments. When I went to our session today, she asked me how the evenings have been going (since that was my initial crazy anxiety/depression time) and in looking back over the past two weeks I was amazed…night times are actually becoming my favorite time with Potamus. We’re sleepy and it’s dark and warm and snuggly. He nurses and then we both fall back into dreamland…him in his co-sleeper and me right next to him in the bed. These moments of sweetness are the result of these reiki moments, where I asked to recieve what I needed most, and while it wasn’t what I asked for verbally, it clearly was what I needed on a different level.
If you haven’t had a chance to experience a reiki session, I highly recommend it!